Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.

   Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck

   The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far

   I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   My worst fear is meeting my match.

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   It's not fair how easy it is for kid to make kool aid these days.

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.