Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My biggest regret in life is missing you..., When I backed up

   It's conceivable that a gynecologist could triple his client base just by developing Parkinson's

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.

   Happy Memorial Day to all. Even the 90% of Americans who don't know the difference between today and Veteran's day.

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.

   The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you d*ck head.

   Does Joel Osteen give anyone else the creeps or is it just me?

   "I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders.

   Fellas; There is no need to have a Facebook war. There are enough women to go around on Facebook for you to have a fake relationship with.

   I tested positive for Facebook.

   Craving margaritas is an emotion, right?

   Bet you didn't know that before leaving the factory every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives two test tickles.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   People without a college degree: A piece of paper don’t mean jack$hit. People with a college degree: Hey you, get back to work.

   Sighing heavily all day long counts as cardio, right?

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.