Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.

   You may say I'm addicted to Facebook but I prefer to call it my second childhood...

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   My neighbor is crazy. After playing some Justin Bieber at high volume at 7 o'clock this morning, he commited suicide by shooting himself 8 times in the back with my gun.

   "I don't care what X-MEN did at the box office." -Godzilla

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life

   Nice try "blocked" number, but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   Not to brag, but I'm a functioning Facebook addict.

   Candy corn is just like regular corn except it dances on poles and doesn't know who it's dad is

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do

   Call me a hoarder if you want but don't come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.