Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship Status: eating raw cookie dough.

   Ugly old married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Ugly old women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

   Have you seen the infomercial for the hair removal thingy called, "NO-NO"? No wonder there haven't been any recent Bigfoot sightings!!!

   Since Obama is negotiating with terrorists......... Let's offer Mexico a prisoner swap. We will give them 11.7 million immigrants in exchange for our one Marine.

   I can't be the only one who spits on my banana before eating it...Right?

   Got a massive poke backlog, could you all poke yourselves.....i'm too lazy....Bob

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?

   I wonder if Jesus ever saw the face of someone in his toast.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   RIP, Maya Angelou. You were my favorite Ninja Turtle.

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?

   Did anyone else get upset when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

   Breaking up with someone because you told them a joke and they didn't laugh is a good enough reason.

   Question for the Christian folks...When Moses parted the red sea, did he say anything? Like Ta-Daaaaaa!!!