Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Maury and the guy says " having sex with her is like having sex with a unsanitized diaper"

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.

   When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!

   Obama has finally assembled a solid team. Unfortunately, it was for the Taliban.

   it illegal to make a right turn into the right lane these days??

   If you swap five copperheads for a rattlesnake, your kids still won't be any safer in the yard. Same with terrorists and traitors.....

   $15 minimum wage, I don't think so. Maybe we should focus on lowering the cost of an education instead. That way it rewards those that are willing to work for a better life.

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   WTF. Adam Lavine photoshops his face onto my body? so pissed right now...

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I'm bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…