Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at the correct use of 'their'.

   If you don't believe in evolution just look at how much stronger passwords have become over the past few hundred years.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.

   Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR

   My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.

   If you can't even get your first and last name in order, then no, I will not accept your friend request.

   I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".

   back pain is just youth leaving the body

   Life must suck for the reporters that have to report on the Justin Bieber n-word story...

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1983: DANGIT...street lights are on. Guess who's getting beat with a belt when he gets home :'(

   (Possible post if Facebook was around in 1979) Busy day today. Me and the boys are riding all over town on our bikes. Later we'll be at the lot playing Hot Wheels, so hit me up if you're in.

   The way my boss speaks to me it's as if he doesn't realize I'm an internet phenomenon.

   I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.

   what makes fancy green beans fancy?

   Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   You may think the grass is greener on the other side,but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green

   a painter paints pictures on canvas musicians paint the pictures on silence unless you're a musician in a cover band your painting by numbers over a bunch of loud mouth drunks

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...