Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.

   I'll be right with you, I'm busy being inappropriate on the internet.

   "So who wants to get arrested tonight?" - Alcohol

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   Sex so good she didn't even wake up.

   When you look at the time left on a movie and you start panicking because you feel there’s still so much left to do and so little time left.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.

   •••note to self•••- Remember to take half pack of M&Ms out of pocket before washing and drying said pants.

   That felon whose mugshot has women swooning over him is proof enough that women are crazy and perverts too.

   A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

   "I'm gonna poke everyone's girlfriend and wife just to see who responds.." wait for it...

   Hey ghetto people. Us educated people like the following. CUZ=Because. WIT=With. #=If your older grow up.

   So....the Patent Office ruled that the Washington Redskins name is offensive.... if I was the owner, I would keep the name the same and change the mascot to a potato!! The Washington Redskin Potatos

   I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that's for here."

   It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.

   a little shake .. a little tingle.. a little shake.. a little tingle.

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   While attempting to pick up broads in the supermarket it helps to pose as a pharmacist with a banana in your pants