Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   Do you think, Ajay Bhatt, inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.

   "You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.