Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ate lunch and Furr's. Apparently the wait staff didn't find it funny that I kept telling them I wanted a furr burger.

   I don't like the idea of having to go on in a world where good people like Robin Williams is no longer with us, but Justin Beiber is still alive and well.

   some how I stabbed myself in the eye with the corner of a business card. Is that a good enough excuse to buy an eye patch and wear if for a week? Being a pirate for a.week would be awesome

   Goooodnight Vietnam !!! RIP Robin Williams one of a kind...

   Finally brings some authenticity to his movie, Dead Poets Society don't ya think?

   I remember back in the 70's when Yoga was called Twister. . .

   If I've learned anything from the Kardashians... it's that I shouldn't let my complete lack of talent hold me back. Now who wants to make some porn. . .

   I'm beginning to understand why Ukraine vacation packages are being steeply discounted...

   Strange how people will judge stories like Tony Stewart, but try their damnedest to get out of jury duty...interesting.

   #SaveSharkWeekFromDiscovery, spread the word.

   Be a visitee and not always the visitor... see how that works out!

   Since when did the bucket list turned into the bucket challenge. . .

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: I am NOT argumentative! Me: See?

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Does anyone really believe Bobby Brown even knew what a prerogative was?

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   Saw my ex walking down the street. Where's Tony Stewart when you need him??

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me