Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...

   If I lived beneath a tap dancer I think I would just put really powerful magnets on my ceiling.

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   hmmmm...... Thats weird, I dont remember eating corn last night?

   If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens

   I was invited to take part in a flash mob. Showed up in just my trenchcoat. Now I'm disappointed.

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

   Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.

   If at first you don't succeed then maybe skydiving isn't your thing.

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.