Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the nfl: knock a woman out - suspended 2 games... drink beer - suspended 4 games...

   Sexy lingerie should NOT be available in XXL sizes.

   I was going to do the Alzheimer's ice bucket challenge. But I keep forgetting.

   She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you're adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!

   I see someone failed the 'Ice Chris Brown Challenge'...

   Pro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   Lots of Movers and Shakers in Napa This Morning ...

   I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........

   So she says "I don't need a boyfriend, I have my 'toys'" I say "but your toys won't wake you up @ 4am like a good boyfriend will do for you"

   for this of you who ever accused me of being full of sh*t, my colonoscopy prep work has now proven you otherwise!

   I care more about the reception being an open bar than whether you marry same sex

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

   I nominate everyone for the vodka bucket challenge.

   Punk's not dead. Punk is resting its eyes. Punk works hard all week. Just please, go play quietly and let punk sleep.

   IS and the Ice Bucket Challenge must be stopped at all cost.

   MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   LIFE is a game a REAL game

   FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers

   Welcome to Sign Language 101,, Can anyone tell me what this red sign is?.. Anyone?.. Anyone??,, It's a stop sign... How about this yellow one?... No?... Hello?,, What, are you guys deaf?