Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in..

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   Don’t you hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...don’t you hate it?

   When I tell you I'm going to shower then head out, be sure to factor in about two hours of me sitting at my computer in a towel.

   Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

   If it weren't for double-standards politicians would have no standards at all.

   America is the only country in the world where you can die from eating too much instead of too little.

   It's time for Ray Rice to be Challenged. Lets see how many punches he can take before he is knocked out. . .

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.