Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   Rickie Fowler has had USA shaved into his head in preparation for The Ryder Cup. Rory MciLroy has won 2 majors as part of his preparations

   This just in: iOS 8.0.2 comes with a new toggle switch to straighten out your bent iPhone 6 Plus.

   I got to stop following these instagrame models. My girlfriends punches are starting to leave bruises.

   Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage

   BREAKING NEWS: Reports seem to be premature that Barack Obama's nomination to replace Eric Holder will be Flavor Flav.

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   Kim Kardashian was attacked at the Paris Fashion Show! It is still unknown which NFL player assaulted her, but Roger Goodell vows to educate these exceedingly uneducated players. Mainly because this just puts the bi+ch back in the spotlight.

   I would never wish bad things upon anyone... but if ISIS just so happened to run into Tom Brady... I wouldn't be too upset.

   Kim Kardashian attacked at the Paris Fashion Show, but unfortunately it wasn't by ISIS.

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   I'm all about three things, fast cars and bad counting.

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say stuff like "That one's shaped like an idiot."

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.