Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.

   This Halloween I am going as a Bacon Ninja... not sure how to do it, but it sounds funny.

   Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

   When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them.

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   I'll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when you said there were snacks.

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   Has science explained why you have to walk around the house when on the phone?

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   It's not a crime scene if it was an act of love. Everyone knows that.

   "LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

   Okay kids don't ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger's houses except on the day we worship the devil.