Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama

   it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing

   that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

   If Ebola broke out in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?

   When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"

   Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I

   We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??

   Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.

   A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.

   I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.

   the Washington redskins should change their name to the foreskins, they could wear purple helmets