Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That's what going back to an ex is like.

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.