Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

   Somedays, I'm just a walkin', talkin' meat bag full of awesome.

   I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . .

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   If you're panicking about ebola going airborne , just remember that this means you believe in evolution.

   I bet the guy working at the laundromat never has to break a hundred.

   I'm just looking for a reason not to drink

   If you are a medical professional it is your duty not to spread political fear of a disease.

   CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay

   Apple CEO, Tim Cook is so proud to be gay, he waited 53 years to come out.

   When I see ad's on Tv with smiling happy housewives using a new cleaning product ,the only thing I want to go out and buy are the Meds they must be on.

   Apple CEO just came out today. I guess this explains why iPhone 6 bends.

   I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.

   The best time and place to hide a body is in your front yard during Halloween. That way, people will think it's just a decoration.

   When they report your photo to Facebook, and Facebook tells them your photo does not violates any rules. ;)

   This year, I'm takin' candy from kids who have the most, to give to the kids too lazy to trick-or-treat themselves. Happy Obamaween. Merica.

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.

   Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.