Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.

   My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.

   You haven't lived until you've been physically escorted out of McDonalds at 4:47am by a 15 year old

   Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

   Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   he doesn't even get swallowed, discovery channel is losing all credibility

   Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   Some dude is going to be eaten alive by an Anaconda tonite....BIG DEAL...I was eaten alive by a snake years ago and my lawyer got me out. Sucked dry, but free.

   Hey everybody I'm unique! Just like everybody else on facebook! But please give me validation anyways.

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....