Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time

   What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

   No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”

   A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide

   90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.

   Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.

   Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!