Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The year is 2016. The NFL has banned tackling. Players must apologize and say 10 nice things about each other after each penalty.

   It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.

   Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.

   Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

   Went to the dog park today,and I stepped in a pile of Islam.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't fart. You don't know what else she might be holding back.

   "My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at" wrong people. :)

   My neighbor is in training to become a porn star. I asked her how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   multiculturalization?? more like Islamization.

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only had sex with him to get something else out of him, but it failed'

   If your car has reindeer antlers and a red nose then I should be allowed to shoot you

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   The only time I put my phone down is when it rings....

   You're 42, divorced with 3 kids and you smoke? Good luck with that...

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

   Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.