Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito please don't let the trainee make my burrito. Dammit the trainee is making my burrito.

   "But why?" - Me at weddings

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   [breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   "Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   Someone called me lazy today I almost objected.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Everybody needs a playground...

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   How do women think without a pen*s?

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   Dear Sony Hackers, So....What can you do about the Kardashians???

   If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   I don't want to be the creepy old guy. I mean, I am, but I don't want to be.