Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me, “Hey, we have four mutual colleagues in Linkedin." Can I come in?

   1 [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?

   Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   Love is blind but marriage will open your eyes real quick.

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   Nike is starting to bug me. I've seen the video's of how hard the kids in the sweat shop work. So why does it take ten days to get my shirts in the mail.

   Just looking at the snow angels I made. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow!

   McDonalds has new bags to hide the fact you are eating Mcdonalds? Your fat a$$ already gave it away.

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.