Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.

   The world is effed up when boy bands sing about Jack and country singers sing about Crown...

   Colts..."Who's got big ball's, We got big ball's, we got the biggest balls of them all!!!!

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.

   did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   I wish my wife would look at me the way Biden looks at the back of Obamas head.

   If I was married to a supermodel, my balls would always be deflated too...

   Did you know!! if you walk like a penguin you won't slip on ice.. ;)

   Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I'm not really interested

   The opposite of being happy is being sober.

   church is the weirdest place ever, they form a choir and then force everyone in the congregation to sing.

   you can tell if someone worships satan if they have their phone's keypad tone on.

   Everytime a congressman gets up to clap, he thanks the lord for baby powder.

   State of the union speech is on. Hang on to your wallets.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. It was fried and eaten on MLK day.

   must be awkward for jesus to be the only white guy in the middle east

   is ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ awesome

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .

   I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN

   I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!