Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My gf just told me that my pecker was two inches bigger that her ex's and that's why she will never go back to a lesbian relationship

   Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

   My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I've failed to teach him our family's place in the psychiatric process...

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   just avoid love at all costs

   You had me at 0 mutual friends

   Not really supposed to say anything yet, but… I joined Blink 182. Gonna take it in a super fun new direction.

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

   Maybe Jabba was extremly thin for a Hut, you don't know

   Breaking weather news! Winter storm Juno finally landed and was quickly deflated as it passed over New England.

   I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.