Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sooner you realize a min wage job is a starting point and not a career, the better off you (and America) will be!

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

   No, I don't like to wear pants. Or as I call them, leg prisons.

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   The number of STDs she can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

   I think Bruce Jenner's trying a little too hard to 'Keep Up With The Kardashians.'

   If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

   I just want to be rich enough to legally hunt people.

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   I'm sorry I karate chopped your grandma...but her stroke face was all like, "Come at me, bro".

   "Why can't more people be just like you?" I wisper into the bun of giant meatball sub.

   Yelp reviews, but for co-workers

   Dudes who watch The Bachelor, what does mensturation feel like?

   I love animals. Especially with ketchup.

   90% of what goes on in a cat's head is "I wonder how I can get them to look at my butthole?"

   Belated congrtulations to Earth for being 63-0 in Miss Universe competitions

   on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF

   Ben Franklin invented the wood stove, bifocals, lightning rods, the odometer, was the first to map the gulf stream, the U.S. postal system, and electricity. All I'm saying: If Ben Franklin were alive today, Microsoft, Google, and Apple would be generics..

   Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.