Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Playing Trivia Crack. The question was, "What is the irrational fear of elevators? In hindsight Rice-traphobia is obviously wrong.

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.

   Sorry about dinner. I tried to follow the recipe, but I think we are out of "oven".

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to $hit more at work.

   I’m about to eat gas station breakfast.....tell my family that I love them.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   What’s the opposite of terrorism? Atheism.

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans

   Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé.

   Million Dollar Idea: An inner-city 24 hour breakfast restaurant named "Malcolm Eggs"

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.