Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My blood test came back "vodka".

   Chill with the snow pics folks. It's fcuking winter. It's supposed to be cold.

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   Today is World Book Day.... or as today's generation calls it, "World What Day?"

   Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"

   People that use iPhones are justa bunch of sheep that believe whatever Apple says. *Pulls into church parking lot*

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   ATHEISM :The belief that there was nothing then something happened to nothing which magically exploded and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self replicating bits which gained conciousness to debate it.

   Nothing ruins a Hump Day like not getting Humped!

   Drink the Kool-Aid, everything will be OK...

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   Just saw this chick at the gym do 5 sets of selfies.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn't come.