Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than a dry handjob, is cake without frosting.

   I'm not a role model, I just play one in front of my kids.

   Life gave me onions.... onionade sucks.

   Easy there buddy... Its an email signature, not the hood of a racecar.

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

   Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store.

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   Jacking off is all fun and games until someone walks in

   I never got why people liked sitting homje without pans on so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I'm left wondering why people have jobs.

   My password is SupermanHulkThor, its the strongest password I can think of.

   Wait... which one of the Hansen boys grew up to be Taylor Swift?

   Her: If I'm going to go down on you, can I at least have a hair band? Him: Of course *press play on Skid Row CD*

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.

   My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   a court date is technically a date, right??

   R acism is the logical and direct consequence of ignorance, stupidity, illiteracy, and unreasonable fear.

   Strawberry pancakes are just like regular pancakes but they got arrested for coke possession and picking up a prostitute in 1999.

   Chemists tell great joke, but they don't get a reaction because all their people skills Argon. OMG... that's Sodium funny, right? NA? Okay.