Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.

   I feel sadly left out knowing that I'm one of the few people in this country who hasn't shot or been shot at by George Zimmerman.

   Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.

   Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had my name changed to Not Guilty. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *Moonwalks outta there*

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.

   "I'm defintely more of a 'go big' than a 'go home' guy" ~ Me to the cashier as she rings up my 30 pack.

   I really like people who don't know how full of crap I really am.

   Men, I don't care about your abs, I do care if you drink lite beer. Keep the belly, drink real beer.

   That's some really cute pink camoflauge. Do you hunt in the Lolipop Woods or the Peppermint Forest?

   At this point in my marriage, I'm willing to trade cunnilingus for the 15 mintues of not having to talk.

   This bottle of Ny-Quil tastes like I'm drinking on the job and getting away with it

   Looking for a job

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Lasagna is a whol elot better once you realize its actually a noodle layer cake with meat filling and cheese frosting.

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   I polished my car and now I might go pleasure myself ... wax on/whacks off

   My new restaurant "Eat it or go to your room", makes you feel like a kid again!

   I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.

   I prefer to be on whichever side of the bed the sex is going to be on.