Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   "Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.

   I was able to earn so much money for my Walk-A-Thon that I was able to take Uber instead.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   I've been married for "discuss grocery list during sex" years.

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters? Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"... 😀😳😜

   Since casino commercials abruptly end with "gambling problem, call 1-800gambler"......why don't booze commercials end with "drinking problem, call 1-800guzzler" ?

   The most realistic part of Avengers: Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the human race must be destroyed after spending a few hours on the Internet.

   Liking on Facebook is definitely an addiction for some

   Lindsey Graham announced he is running for president. Nice to have a Southern Belle in the race.

   Skinless chicken breasts are more mouthwatering and yummy than regular chicken breasts. Human breasts, however, are more mouthwatering and yummy with the skin on.

   I make breakfast for my 1 night stands. In hopes they tell there friends about me.

   Because of "YOLO", MILFS are now 16 years old.

   When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 per hour.

   Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year, so I get it half marathon runners.

   Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.

   You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.

   Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert

   An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.