Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.

   Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm

   Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?

   Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..

   Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?

   eating something immediately after brushing your teeth must be part of the things you do during recruitment as a terrorist.

   This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.

   "Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.

   Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"

   Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.