Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.