Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."

   My makers were my parents, not sure who yours are. Fairytales from a 2000 year old book is useless.

   The story of People of Lut (or Lot) has been preserved for these exact times. To serve as reminder to us what the end result of People of Sodom & Gomorrah (pure destruction) for their deviant/foridden sexual practices. Our Maker has warned from such sins

   Be patient freaks, give it a few more years and you will be able to marry your dog

   All the brain dead idiots that watch and listen to FOX news must be pretty pissed they haven't been able to marry their 1st cousion yet.....or their goat.

   My GF said I don't listen to her. Or something like that...

   "Your career could be in jeopardy" ~ Alex Trebek's agent in 1984

   when you're married, everybody looks good to you.

   I never know what to say to pregnanant women so I just say, "I like to screw too"

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   I bet the first person to see a sun set was all like, "well... this ain't good"

   "Drink Responsibly?".... LOL, Responsibility is WHY I drink.

   Two in the blue, one in the poo. ~ How to give Smurfette a shocker.

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   Now that you've won your right to marry, ya think we could get a couple colors back. I mean, the whole rainbow... seariously?!?!

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULlcrap.

   Did you hear that? That was a g@y man farting without his butplug.