Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   President Obama just stepped out of the White House on this Presidents Day and seen his shadow. Looks like we're in for another year of bullshit....

   Too bad the Kardashians drove off into a snow ditch and not off a cliff....

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6...

   Now we have to see our suspected gay FB friends under a colored rainbow app...

   Just had coffee so black that it looted the silverware from the table.

   If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".

   Kindly read the book which hasn't been adulterated by Human additions/versions. The Book which is timeless and has been perfected for all mankind (till da end). Apparently, Straight Pride is nw frowned upon. What a m3ntally r3tarded society we live in

   I make her coffee every morning exactly the way she likes it because I love her... and because if I didn't she would stab me repeatedly.!

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   Me and her are having a poking battle on Facebook, so you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   Why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me?

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   You're only young once but you can be immature forever!

   Tomorrow is Canada Day, maybe we should all go out for some good Canadian Cuisine to celebrate

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   over weight & a drug problem? New hitting the streets diet coke

   I don't know about yours but my news feed is starting to look like there's a big game coming up between the south and the skittles factory.

   I get the feeling that there are more people out there that have put more time into supporting gay marriage this past week than they have in supporting there own in the past year.

   SpaceX rocket exploded trying to get out of the atmosphere. God said you let men marry men, you guys aren't welcome up here anymore.