Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   -Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   I like my women like I like my turtles,,,,Helpless when they're on their back... Bill Cosby

   26 years later,, and we still haven't touched this

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.

   Parents these days are worried about just 2 things:. 1.- What Sons download their 2.- What upload their Daughters.

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...

   I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.