Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.

   Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?

   Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..

   Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .

   Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.

   Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!

   Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!

   Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.

   If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting

   It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself

   Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.

   Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.

   [Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!

   [high school reunion] Him: I'm a doctor Her: I'm a lawyer Him: What do you do? Me: PEOPLE VALIDATE ME ON THE INTERNET..

   My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."

   I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country

   I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.

   I like my woman like I like my beer; brown, smooth, and goes down without any problems.