Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   More coffee, less people please.

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.

   Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.