Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message

   "Welcome to Costco, I love you."

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

   I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?

   My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.

   Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!

   My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

   I wonder if, Wes Craven died in his sleep....Or did he go out with a Scream?

   if Kanye did become president, the first lady will be. . . let that sit in

   Hope you're feeling OK after being sexually violated by Miley Cyrus last night.