Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   "The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.

   Strangers thousands of miles away sharing their emotions and making you smile at times ... Perhaps technology has not failed us after all.

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   fell in love on an elevator once and it ended in soul crushing heart break, so, no thanks Aerosmith. No frickin thanks.