Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.

   Why is it so important that we learn how to write a thesis statement? I can't imagine my future boss saying, "have that thesis on my desk by 5 o'clock or it's your ass!

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   This chick has a couple of good ideas that I would like to motorboat.

   If they ever start handing out medals for not participating in anything, that might be my moment to shine.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   People that have 7 kids, let's be honest.....do you actually LOVE all those kids?

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.