Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   Kids, just say no to drugs. Also, just say no if they ask you if daddy does drugs. - Me, if I had kids

   Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother

   What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Happy labor day to those who actually have to work