Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.

   I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.

   Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.

   All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...

   These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"