Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"

   Proximo Gobernador de Antioquia

   Why don't you go live in one of those other nations jackass you wouldn't last 10 minutes

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   I don't have a thigh gap because I have this other gap on my face where I put delicious foods and beverages.

   *learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*

   Just found a new app that tells you which of your friends are family are racist, it is called facebook.

   This fish is so raw it's starting to swim in my soup.

   This chicken is so uncooked that a skilled vet could still save him

   You have 200 pics of only your face on Facebook? You must be so thin...

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..