Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When girls are mad at you, there's a typo in every word 'cuz they texting so fast.

   Most women don't even need to workout. Y'all burn enough calories jumping to conclusions.

   Sometimes you just gotta text your ex and remind them they ain't sh*t... Just in case they forgot.

   When I say 'Netflix & Chill' sometimes I mean that. Stop kissin' my neck and watch this serial killer documentary with me or get the tf out.

   If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.

   From now on, if we text longer than a week, we better fall in love. If not, you paying my phone bill for wasting my unlimited texts.

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   I don't care if you catch me creeping your page. I'll like 74 of your posts in a row, what you gonna do about it.

   Kill that blower or blow that killer.... Whatever

   Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

   My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

   I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!

   Everytime Kayne is caught smiling he has to be a cheerleader at a college football game!

   Mar7hall vs BEiO They are back like 2 years ago.

   I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?