Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

   I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You've probably seen our poster.

   One day...Ima log onto social media and not see anything Kardashian/Jenner related. One day..

   CNN debate polls are in: Hillary 4% Sanders 6% Webb 2% Putin 70% Karl Marx 18%

   I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

   If you are caught speeding in Michigan, the police issue you Detroit Lions tickets.

   When Ellen DeGeneres gives away an automobile on her show she should call the segment "What Would You Do for a Blonde Dyke's Car?"

   I will still be nude when reading Playboy.

   I call bravo Sierra on distance makes the heart grow fonder. Distance makes you have to do dishes and cook and stuff.

   An SEC football season without Steve Spurrier? Isn't that sort of like a Prom without acne?

   Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world

   Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.

   [finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.

   Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.

   Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk

   Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.

   Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.