Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to stop lying to myself !!! This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween !

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded.

   We had the kind of love that lasted till our phones died.

   She was full-figured, and I loved her in spite of the extra duct tape I had to buy.

   The genie that I rubbed to get my three wishes was not a genie at all. Anyone got bail money?

   Old world problems were to get crumbs from the computer keyboard... new world problems removing the crumbs that fall between the glass plate and smartphone case

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   I am so happy one of my favourite things is about to start, the ALC series. Another one of my favourite things begins with ALC, ALCOHOL!

   You condemn me as the devil himself in an attempt to erase my spark But since the devil don't exist where I am, he could only be where you are

   I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I'm bored.

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   It's sad when your chances of winning the lottery are BETTER than getting a decent raise at work.