Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Imma let you finish, Lamar, but Whitney Houston had the best naked on cocaine death ever". - Kanye West

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...

   A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .

   You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want them to be alive..

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   Family with benefits. - Rednecks.

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   I love having marital relations. My wife knows what I like and I know what she won't do!

   God saying to Eve "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it" was prove that even he makes mistakes #talkingtoawoman"

   whenever I see a can of Glen 20, I think to myself "do you reckon that's Ben 10's older brother?" Then I laugh. And wonder how other people put up with me.

   I am tired of thinking for myself, bring on the socialism.

   My nakedness is irrelevant to you at this point

   I am tired of living in the Divided States Of America

   Just overheard this damn near 65 year old lady say, "I'm still single cuz I ain't met the right man yet." Thought to myself, "Oh, you gonna meet him soon. His name is Jesus..."

   They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying