Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...

   Are you butt dailing, cause I swear that a$$ is calling me

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator..

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus

   I'll sleep when you're dead.

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge

   I wear running shoes so I look like I'm going places.

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   When the cashier said "Strip down facing me" how was I supposed to know she meant my debit card?

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.

   HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.

   ..... Canada ..... Leading the world in being just north of the United States

   Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates