Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   People who work at McDonalds act like the sauces come out of their wages, just throw 5 in the bag and behave.

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   I'm flirtatious, which means i'm poor.

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar

   Halloween is a great time to get rid of any expired or unused meds.

   Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Nurse::::You unplugged your grandmothers life support ,, well excuse me lady but ..My phone had 1% life left..

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Your SMS inbox is your shopping updates app now. Card transaction information Order confirmation Package tracking Delivery Information

   "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is not the advisable way to tell your child he was adopted.

   Monday's don't suck... Your life does

   Monday's aren't bad.. You just hate your job

   For all you people thinking about giving healthy Halloween treats, just stop now while you are ahead

   Glen died on walking dead tonight guys

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...