Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A 'Baby On Board' sign, but for your whiny boyfriend.

   I shot off a flare to get rescued from a bad date, and now everyone in this restaurant is mad at me.

   If getting ignored in real life is not enough, try twitter.

   At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?

   You changed your profile picture and I changed my mind.

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?

   I'm so ignored here I'm beginning to think all of you are actually cats.

   I may be her Teddy bear, but remember I'm still a bear .

   .... "There once was a girl from Nantucket" ..... DAMMIT! .... Apparently I'm a terrible Poet ... cuz I can't think of anything that rhymes with Nantucket.

   There's a closet pervert in each and every one of you. . .

   I had the unfortunate task of telling my dog he's adopted today.

   I get turned on when women use the voice they use to talk to dogs ...

   When my wife asks the dog ,Who's the good boy.. I secretly wish that she says DADDY'S THE GOOD BOY.. ....but she never does

   When exactly in Earth's history did the climate not "change"?

   If you're too scared to dump somebody take them to ikea.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig......It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?

   It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.